


Alex Garcia is so done with your bullshit, or the one where Kagami and Kuroko are married as fuck

by szczepter



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alex can't handle the domestic, Established Relationship, M/M, Third Person POV, is my fav thing ever, it's too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-02-27
Packaged: 2018-01-13 23:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1244371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/szczepter/pseuds/szczepter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Alex came to Japan she expected many things; Godzilla, giant robots and girls fighting monsters in school uniforms. Sadly, none of these happened. What she met was way more irritating and cute.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alex Garcia is so done with your bullshit, or the one where Kagami and Kuroko are married as fuck

**Author's Note:**

> Filling my own headcanon, because I am the lamest ever. Also what the fuck is this title.

Alex basically cackles herself silly when Taiga says he’s gay and is actually dating a teammate.

It is so utterly hilarious that she spends twenty minutes laughing and slapping her leg, while Taiga is both glaring and blushing at her and oops she probably hurt his feelings.

“Oh my god.” She wheezes, wiping the tears from her eyes. “It all makes sense now!” She shouts, throwing her hands in the air.

“What makes sense?” Taiga grumbles, hands folded against his chest. Man he’s pissed.

“That you never wanted to date any of the girls in middle school!” Taiga just sputters and blushes some more, while Alex returns to her hysterical laughter.

But it made sense. The only person who would be able to catch Taiga’s attention would have to love basketball as much as he did, be able to stand him at his worst and support him at his lowest and Tetsuya was just that person.

Also, Taiga had to see something else in the kid, because damn was he a weird one.

Cute though. Like a puppy. Which didn’t made a lick of sense, since Taiga despised dogs. And the kid also had a dog.

The saying that love made people stupid was apparently true.

Not her business really, whatever he saw in him was probably something special, or some other crap.

He was nice, that’s what she could tell. He visited often and slept over a lot.

Which is why, she fully expected to walk in on them fooling around, but the little shits were sneaky (which was probably a good thing).

Well, okay there was this one time, but she supposed her accidental cockblocking was what made Taiga grumpy for the whole day and it was seriously hilarious.

Other than that? They were pretty chaste.

Well, if only this was the case it would be fine really. They were still mental (and maybe not only mental) virgins.

No. That wasn’t the only thing which was…odd to say the least.

They were  _nesting_.

Well, Taiga wasn’t as he was already a perfect little house husband/host, but Tetsuya fell into his rhythm like he was made for it.

It was cute only at the beginning.

Then it was just unbearable.

* * *

 

Alex walks into the kitchen one day with the full intention of making herself some black and bitter coffee; black and bitter as her current mood. She didn’t sleep well, not in the least and she is sporting a killer hangover. Well no matter, she just wants her coffee and to curl up on the couch, watch TV all day and maybe die slowly.

She’s greeted by the scent of her beloved morning drink filling the kitchen and the sound of food being cooked.

Wait, wait?

She gropes for her glasses, which hang from the cleavage of her top and puts them on.

She is surprised to see both Taiga and Tetsuya up and running, and what seems like making breakfast. The table is already set for three people. She blinks surprised a bit. Well that’s nice.

“Is that the right way, Kagami-kun” Tetsuya’s soft voice snaps her out of her daze. She sees Taiga lean over Tetsuya and then nod.

“Yeah, keep it up.”

“Okay.”

They cook in relative silence for a few moments, and just when Alex is about to announce her presence Kuroko speaks again.

“I think it’s done Kagami-kun.” He says and gestures with the spatula he’s holding to the contents of the frying pan. Kagami leans again with a fork and takes a bite of the mysterious dish.

“How did I do?” Taiga ruffles his hair

“You did good.” She can't see but she supposes that Tetsuya is smiling. After a moment of hesitation, Taiga leans and kisses the top of Tetsuya’s head. In that moment she also realizes that Tetsuya is wearing Taiga’s shirt. The one she vaguely remembers Taiga wearing to sleep.

Great. Not only were they like newlyweds, but they were also getting laid more often than her.

Horny teenagers. 

“What are you doing?” She speaks and sees them turn from the stove to look at her.

“Yo.”

“Good morning.” They greet her respectively.

“Sit. Breakfast is almost ready.” Taiga says and turns off the stove. Alex sits at the table and before she knows it a mug of black coffee is trusted before her.

“Thanks.” She says and raises an eyebrow. She sips the drink for a few moments, watching the two boys move around the kitchen, not once even bumping into each other.

Tetsuya appears out of nowhere and she flinches slightly. The boy blinks and slides a perfectly round and thick omelet on her plate.

“Oh.” She looks at the plate and then at the boy in front of her. “My favorite.” Tetsuya smiles sweetly.

“Kagami-kun thought me.” Alex blinks again.

“Tetsuya wanted to make you breakfast for some reason.” Taiga says sitting the table on Alex’s left side.

“Really?” Tetsuya nods. “Aw. Come here and give aunt Alex a hug.” She extends her arms in invitation. Kuroko moves forward one step, but Taiga’s hand on his chest pushes him back.

“No he won’t give you a damn hug. Sit and eat.” He orders and Kuroko rolls his eyes. He sits opposite Kagami and the three of them dig into their food – Alex in her omelet, Kagami in his stack of toast, eggs and bacon and Tetsuya in his modest bowl of cereal.

They eat for a while in silence, enjoying the sunny morning, and Alex’s headache starts retracting to the back of her head as a merely dull ache. She fully expects the lovebirds to start feeding each other, but thankfully they do manage to tone down their grossly domestic behavior.

Nigou barks happily and pads into the kitchen. He has his own bowls near the entrance, but he greets everyone, first Kuroko, then Kagami and Alex at the end. He’s still learning her scent, but he’s more or less accepted her and she grins at the pup.

“Hey, there little T.” She says and takes one toast from Taiga’s stash, fully ignoring his offended “hey!” and tears a small piece. She bends to drop it in front of the dog and when he munches happily she scratches between his ears.

She’s about to sit upright when something catches her attention under the table and she turns her head.

Shit.

Maybe the brats aren’t overly couple-y  _above_ , but they sure as hell are  **under**. Alex makes a face as she sees Tetsuya’s pale legs wound themselves around Taiga’s and stroke his calf with his bare toes.  

She resurfaces and sees that nothing has actually changed; the boys eat their breakfast, occasionally making small talk.

Alex drinks her bitter coffee and thinks that she needs a date.

ASAP.

* * *

 

Overall it was a successful shopping trip for Alex.

Yeah, she went alone, because she had no one to accompany her; Taiga and Tetsuya had their routine summer practice, Tatsuya was in another city having _his_  practice, and Riko and that Momoi girl were also respectively busy because, duh basketball.

And yeah, there was this tiny problem with women’s sizes in this blasted country, so she had to search long and hard for something to fit her and something which wouldn’t resemble a flour sack.

But she did it. She had successfully acquired some essential cute tops, skirts and even a pair of shoes and now she was carrying an impressive amount of tote bags.

Her mood had only slightly improved though.

It was hot as hell.

Hot  _and_  humid. Ugh.

When she finally managed to climb up the stairs to Kagami’s apartment and rummaged in her purse for keys, she realized that the door was unlocked.

_What the?_

She entered the apartment and saw Taiga’s and Tetsuya’s shoes in the genkan. She vaguely heard the TV from the living room and some other noise; was it a vacuum?

"Hey!" She called out, but no response came. She left her shoes and the bags in the genkan and closed the door.

Padding barefoot into the living room she saw that both boys were sitting on the couch; Tetsuya between Taiga’s legs, who was blow drying his hair (the source of the sound) and Tetsuya was drying the dog,  which happily waged its tail, sprawled on Tetsuya’s lap, with a towel.

"Hey." She repeated and Taiga finally heard her.

"Oh." He said and turned off the blow-dryer. "Sup."

Alex put her hands on her hips. “You didn’t lock the door.” Kagami blinked. “Really?”

Alex sighed exasperated. “Yes, really.

"Hey, you." He nudged Kuroko. "You didn’t lock the door." Kuroko turned to look at Taiga.

"I apologize. I was  _distracted_.” He said the words and Taiga’s cheeks turned a faint pink. Alex rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, remember to lock them next time."

"Kay." Kagami shrugged and resumed drying Kuroko’s hair.

Irritated, Alex stomped into the bathroom for her long anticipated shower.

When she emerged from it, an hour later, she felt much better. She flopped on the sofa next to Taiga with a bottle beer and some leftover pizza.

Kuroko by this time curled in Taiga’s lap like sleepy kitten and Taiga even had the nerve to wrap his arm around Tetsuya’s waist, no embarrassment whatsoever.  

The three of them watched the late news, though Tetsuya kept murmuring something to Taiga, who kept answering him, so it was basically Alex who watched the news.

When it ended, she changed the channel to some hilarious, Japanese variety program and increased the volume. The TV boomed for a moment and then suddenly the remote was wrung from her hand and the volume drastically turned down.

"Keep it down idiot!" Taiga said in an angry whisper. Alex raised an eyebrow at him, her mouth still full of beer. Kagami gestured to the boy in his lap who was currently breathing softly, fast asleep.

Alex gulped the mouthful of beer and snorted.

"What is he? Your boyfriend or your kid?" Taiga scowled.

"Shut up. He almost collapsed during practice today." Alex’s eyes widened.

"He collapsed?!"

"Don’t shout. I said  _almost_.” Taiga shifted the boy in his lap, so he could fit more comfortably.

"But he’s okay?" Alex felt a bubble of panic in her chest. She really didn’t want the kid hurt. Taiga shrugged and rubbed Kuroko’s back.

"Yeah, chill. He’s tougher than he looks."

Alex breathed a silent sigh of relief and took the remote back from Taiga. They sat in silence for a while longer, the TV very quiet, when Taiga stretched as much as he could with arms full of Kuroko. He contemplated something for a moment, before he hooked his arm under Kuroko’s knees and stood up. Alex watched them with the bottle at her lips, her eyebrow shooting up.

"Wow." She said. "That’s not the first time you’re doing this." She noted with satisfaction that Taiga’s face became crimson.  _Finally_.

"None of your business." He mumbled. "Night." And he carried Tetsuya into their bedroom.

 _His_.  _His_  bedroom.

Alex smacked herself on the forehead.

* * *

 

"Alex-san are you having alcohol problems?"

Alex yelps, sputters and splashes her ginger beer all over herself and Taiga’s coffee table. Kuroko blinks at her and patiently waits for her to compose herself.

Alex wipes the liquid from her chin and licks her lips.

"Okay, one:  ** _don’t_**  do that. Two: don’t do  ** _that_**.”

Kuroko’s lips curl into a tiny smile.

"I can finally see the family resemblance." He says and Alex gapes at him for a moment before chuckling. She ruffles his hair and smiles fondly.

"And three: no I don’t. What makes you think that?" Kuroko cocks his head to the side and studies her.

"You have been drinking a lot lately." Alex shrugs.

"It’s not that alcoholic. You want some?" She offers Kuroko the bottle. Tetsuya wrinkles his brow.

"I’m only seventeen." Alex gapes, and then laughs.

"Your age doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to other naughty-adult things, but you won’t drink ginger beer with me? At home?"

Tetsuya’s cheeks turn the faintest shade of pink.

"That’s a bit different. No one forces me." Alex blinks.

"Well yeah, that’s kind of obvious." Tetsuya flushes a bit more and blinks with his big eyes.

Damn, he really is cute.

She sighs and puts the bottle on the table and raises her hands in a pacifying manner.

"Sorry. You’re right. No pressure." Tetsuya’s brow smoothes itself and he smiles a little.

"Would you like for me to make you some tea?"

"Sure." She shrugs and stands up and they both enter the kitchen.

She sits herself at the table and watches how Tetsuya expertly puts the kettle on and prepares two cups with two different types of tea. He sets sugar and honey on the table and a small plate for the teabags.

Alex blinks.

"Hey, wasn’t that and the teas in the upper cupboard?" Tetsuya turns his head and looks at her.

"Yes. But Kagami-kun said it was annoying that I had to use a stool all the time so he rearranged it."

_Oh for crying out loud._

Tetsuya goes back to making tea and Alex watches him, chin in hand. He looks like he  _belongs_  here.

"Here." Kuroko says and puts a mug of steaming earl grey in front of her. Alex grins.

"Thanks." Kuroko smiles and sits at the table, producing out of nowhere a notebook and a pencil. He starts writing something and both of them fall silent. Alex notices with satisfaction, that it is a comfortable silence.

She takes a sip.

"Do you get a lot of homework in Japan?" She asks suddenly. Tetsuya shrugs, his writing never stopping.

"Average, I think."

"Hm. You must be a smart kid." Kuroko looks up at her and blinks slowly.

"Just normal." That takes her by surprise.

"Kid. You are anything but normal." Kuroko stares. Alex grins.

"You’re incredible." Kuroko ducks his head, pretending to go back to his notes, but she can see his little pleased smile and red ears.

She takes another sip of her tea.

"So you’re normal with school work." Kuroko nods.

"I bet Taiga isn’t even that." At that Tetsuya grins mischievously.

"That he isn’t, true." Alex laughs.

Silence falls again when Tetsuya goes back to his studying.

"Hey, listen." She waits for Kuroko to pay attention to her. "Are you jealous of Tatsuya maybe?"

Kuroko’s hand goes still for a moment and then it resumes its writing.

"Why would I?" Alex narrows her eyes. "Because Taiga spends so much time with him." Kuroko sighs tiredly.

"I am not. Kagami-kun can have his own friends. I have mine too." Alex blinks.

"Okay." She says and takes another sip of her tea. He does sounds serious.

"Last question."

"Yes?"

"Do you wanna marry Taiga?" Tetsuya presses his pencil too hard and the tip breaks. He stares at her and she blinks. There is a faint flush, high on his cheeks.

"Excuse me?"

"You know, married. Tying the knot. Living together forever in a white house. Having babies and well, I suppose you already have a dog anyway. So?

Kuroko blinks and licks his lips.

"I…don’t know." He furrows his brow. "Did Kagami-kun say something?" He asks and she immediately feels like kicking herself.

"No." Kuroko’s shoulders sag.

"Good."

"Good?" Tetsuya nods.

"First there is the next Inter-High." He starts listing. "Then, there are exams and collage." He takes a deep breath. "And then Kagami-kun must become a national star."

She gapes at him for a moment and then erupts into laughter. Kuroko gives her a tiny, probably a little embarrassed smile.

She doesn’t bring it up again for some time, but something keeps nagging her. When she goes to sleep that day it hits her.

Tetsuya never said  _no_.

* * *

 

Just when she is about to enter the apartment after running for 3 hours straight - it has been a good run, she feels a lot better now - the door opens and she finds herself face to face with the two Tetsuyas.

"Oh." She says when the dog barks happily in Kuroko’s arms.

"Hello." Kuroko says with his usual blank face and moves back to let her in. Alex closes the door and takes of her shoes. She moves in to pet the dog and smiles when he nuzzles her hand.

"What’s up? You two going somewhere?"

"Three."

"Huh?"

Kuroko makes an irritated face, and then turns to the inside of the apartment and raises his voice slightly.

"Kagami-kun, Alex-san is here, so you have no choice now."

"Damn it!" Kagami emerges from the apartment, his face a permanent frown.

"Have no choice but what?" Alex asks confused.

"To go to the vet." Kuroko says and pets Nigou. "Routine check-up." He scratches the dog’s chin.

"And why the hell I am needed for this?"

"You didn’t take your keys." Alex pats her pockets. Huh.

"So you were waiting for me to house sit, so you could take Taiga to the vet?"

"Not me!" Kagami sputters and Kuroko chuckles. "The dog." Alex grins.

"You love torturing him." Alex tells Kuroko, who just blinks, but there is a sly smile on his face.

"Nonsense." He says and puts the dog on the floor. Taiga reluctantly puts his shoes and jacket on.

"Shall we?" Kuroko extends his hand and Taiga takes it without hesitation, linking their fingers together.

"Yeah, whatever." And with that they are out of the door.

* * *

 

Tetsuya came over almost every day and slept over every second weekend. And on those weekends he also organized study sessions. Books and notebooks, notes and other school utensils would clutter the coffee table where the two boys would sit and study or do their own homework.

They always did it there, and Alex wondered why. They could just go to Taiga’s room or Tetsuya’s place or to a damn library and study.

Even when she came to the living room and put on a DVD, all they did was to acknowledge her briefly and then go back to studying or arguing about some petty scholarly issue.

Or more like Kuroko lectured and Kagami doodled in his notebook.

Alex munched on her cheetoes and took a swing from the bottle of cola.

"No, I’m telling you that’s the wrong pronunciation. No one in the States says it like that." Kuroko pursed his lips.

"Forgive me, but I think you do not have a PhD in English Kagami-kun, and the author of this book does." Kagami scowled.

"It doesn’t matter, he can still be wrong."

"That may be so, but I doubt it." They bickered some more and Alex rolled her eyes at them. Morons.

Kuroko sighed exasperated.

"Alright." He closed the English textbook. "Japanese then."

"What? What about a break!?"

"No breaks till you read this text without mistakes, Kagami-kun." Taiga groaned and took the book.

"Sadist." Kuroko huffed.

"Please read." Kagami did and for every mistake he was smacked on the head with a ruler.

"Kagami-kun, I am losing my patience here. Please put some effort into it." Taiga pouted.

"I am."

"No you’re not. I will read and you will repeat. Please give me the book." When Kuroko got the textbook back, he contemplated something for a moment, before he crawled in Kagami’s lap and Alex almost choked on her soda.

Kuroko wiggled and made himself comfortable against Kagami’s chest and then opened the book. Kagami instinctively wrapped his arms around Kuroko’s waits and rested his chin on top of Kuroko’s head.

It was the picture of utmost sweetness, it made Alex’s teeth ache.

Tetsuya started reading and Taiga repeated after him, and this time there were no ruler smacking on the head.

Alex stuffed a fistful of chips in her mouth and crunched on them loudly.

When both boys didn’t react to her groans of “my god, just stop already and get a room”, she got fed up and dumped the chips and cola on the couch.

"Okay, that’s it." Both Kagami and Kuroko looked up at her at the same time, with questioning expressions. They were still cozily snuggled together, so the impression she got from them was of some weird conjoined twins.

Very weird twins.

She run a hand through her hair.

"I’m going out." She said and stomped into the genkan to put on her jacket and shoes, and then immediately came back.

"I’ll be late. Probably 3 AM-ish. Don’t wait for me."

"Where are you going?" Kuroko asked.

"Drinking. And maybe to find a dentist." Kagami raised an eyebrow.

"What are you talking about?"

Alex waved a hand at him when she started to look for her keys and wallet around the living room.

"You wouldn’t understand the needs of a woman."

"That’s correct." Kuroko agreed.

"Shut up." Kagami hissed and pinched Kuroko’s thigh.

"Got it!" Alex happily took her wallet from under the sofa.

"Like I said" She continued, hiding the wallet in her jacket pocket. "Don’t wait for me. Bye."

She didn’t wait for them to respond and slammed the door on her way out.

"What’s wrong with Alex-san?" Kagami shrugged.

"A lot?" Kuroko huffed half amused.

"Oh, and one more thing!" The door suddenly slammed open and Alex shouted.

"I better not see you, sleeping on the couch when I get back, or I will seriously kick your asses." Kagami raised an eyebrow.

"What? You’re not making any sense woman."

Alex sighed resigned.

"Oh forget it. You know what? You don’t need to get married. You  _are_  married.”

At that Taiga turned another shade of red, she didn’t know possible. Tetsuya meanwhile, hid his face in the textbook he was holding.

"Yep. Totally married. And disgusting."

Taiga was still too busy sputtering and blushing, so she quickly evacuated before he threw something at her.

Sheesh, teenagers. 

**Author's Note:**

> the best part of writing this was alex and kuroko interacting. it was so fun to write.


End file.
